Monday, July 14, 2008: Mornington Crescent

I have a really bad headache at the moment. It actually hurts and I've had it all day. I've taken some Ibuprofen now so maybe that'll help. Deep down I reckon has something to do with what happened yesterday. In anyone else's eyes it would of been nothing but in mine it was blinding and headache inducing.

I was doing some CV handing out and visited Camden to dispatch one to a travelers hostel. They really didn't want to take it. I made them in the end! After that I decided it was the end of the job 'hunt' for that day and I walked to Mornington Crescent tube station to head south.

I was waiting for the lift and I could sense someone was behind me. When the lift came I entered and then looked up. It was this girl, a swell girl, a shy girl. She looked really friendly, although she was just looking at her feet. I was trying to look cool by not really doing or looking at anything, I don't think I succeeded. The doors were talking ages to shut and it was just the two us in the lift.

I really wanted to break the ice and say something like 'Do you think they'll ever close!!' (referring to the doors), but being a bit green, I didn't. I think it's important to note that in life being shy or coy or trying to look like you don't care or want to talk when you actually do never does any good.

Anyway I didn't say anything, the lift doors closed and we descended. Even though she was far away from the door I let her go first. While we were walking to the platform I was cursing myself for not saying anything. We got to the platform and I figured my chance had gone so I went and sat down on a bench while she observed a map on the platform and roamed a square metre aimlessly.

The train came and after some quick head debating I scuttled onto the carriage she'd boarded. Stupidly again though, half trying to be cool, half out of lack of courage, I walked straight past her to stand half a carriage. It would of been a bit weird, but I probably could of cracked my bad lift door joke then (but obviously in the past tense), had I of stood near her. I peered over at her from my perch, annoyed yet half hoping for I don;t know what. At the next stop (which was Euston), she left the train.

For the rest of the day and all of today, I've been thinking about it. 'It's not a big deal' friends would say after spouting cliche's of other 'fish' in metaphorical seas. But the size of the deal isn't the point. This lack of courage has been the scourge of me for too long.

I thought about all these cool lines afterwards that I could of said. One of them went, 'Hey, if the lift doors don't shut in a minute, do you wanna go for a drink!?'. But I'm not Joey from friends I'm a shoegazing idealist. But maybe that what has to be done? I can't tell anymore the difference between being corny and outgoing.

The whole episode has raised many questions but I'd trade in all the answers to just redo that lift journey. Maybe she would of just smiled out of politeness and looked away but I don't think so, I could tell. I've learnt from this, but I'll never forget.

N.B. It's taken me at least 30 minutes to write this and my head still hurts so Richard Ashcroft was right after all.